A Gearhead’s Night Before Christmas
By on December 24, 2016
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And my kettle was a boil
Cuz I was in the ice cold
Changing my motor oil
I bought the quarts cheap
And the filter was a Pronto
Thanks to end of year closeouts
At Advance and Rockauto
Two dollars a quart
And a dollar a filter
Those were the prices I needed
To keep the old Volvo on kilter
I bought her for peanuts
When it had 200k.
She was now ten years older
The rustworm had stayed away.
She was an aging beauty.
Timeless in her grace
I had remodeled my garage
To give her more space
Tons of old clothes and toys
Had been given to others
So that I could prolong her life
And be good to my sisters and brothers
Yes I was a smart cheapskate
Convicted unrepentant
The new car dealers could eat their bogus fees
I said it. I meant it.
I checked her old dipstick
To make sure it read full
When back in my house
I heard a faint sound of bull
It was a new car dealer
With a gleam in his eye
Who said I could get six thousand off
A new car I could buy!
With a fast pace and rhyme
He would thusly proclaim
“You could buy it for $12,999
If you just come by today!”
So I gave him a call
And waited a few
Finally a voice came to my ear
Saying, “Ummm… can I help you?”
I told him the deal
And said I would try it
With bogus fees removed
Perhaps I would buy it.
I asked for a firm answer
A yes or a no
Would they honor their offer
Could I get it and go?
He said, “Yes, but a few things
I’ll quickly explain.
On the ad there is small print.
Some smaller than grain.”
There would be some fees
A cost, two or three
$799 for you paperwork
and $1500 for T-A-V-T
I said, “TAVT?”
He sighed so aloud
“Well, the state gets their cut.
Removing that is unallowed!”
I said to him, “Sir!
That’s two grand and change!
Why spend all that extra money?
Do you think I’m deranged?!”
He told me, “Don’t worry.
Your expense will be little!
Just a down payment and seven years
It’s all yours. No riddle.”
When I asked him how much down
He paused and he waited
Then said, “$2400 down.”
My God I nearly fainted!
Then he told me the payments
“$299. Don’t fear.
It’s such a piddling sum.
You’ll save plenty this year!”
I said, “Is that right?”
My mouth was agape.
“Over six thousand with fees?
Are you selling financial rape?”
Now look here my chap!
I want you to see
My dear old Volvo
She’s far cheaper than thee.
I do all the small things
To keep her like new
Then I invest a small bundle
To repair her, a few
I know she’s not pretty
Or popular now.
But she still gives it her all
She does it and how!
With 200 horsepower
And seats of deep leather.
I enjoy our daily driving
In all types of weather.
I know she drinks more
Than the newest new car
But that difference in payments
Is just farther than far.
$299 versus $0
$2300 versus $50
She may be a beater
But damn it she’s thrifty!
So I offered a goodbye
A God’s rest and God’s bless
For on this white Christmas
I was put to his test
The beauty of buying
New versus old
Is the difference between learning
And doing what you’re told
This world can move backwards
With debt and regret
But for me, I’ll choose cash
So that next year is set
If you see my old Volvo
My beater. My joy
Just remember, I’m a gearhead.
She’s all mine. My toy.
She’ll always be pretty
In my enthusiast eye
Now excuse me, I’m going
Good luck and goodbye!
Merry Christmas!
